Confessions Of A Bitter Werewolf
by Christina B
Summary: As Jacob says in Eclipse, Leah Clearwater got the short end of the stick in life. This story is Leah's diary entries during the series, and how she deals with lost love, grief, and acceptance of who she is. ON HIATUS- UP FOR ADOPTION!
1. Chapter 1

**Confessions of a Bitter Werewolf**

**Chapter 1**

Entry 1

My name is Leah Clearwater, and for reasons I can't even explain with some semblance of sanity, I'm writing a diary. Seriously I've never been the kind of girl who ever feels the need to pour out my hearts desires to an inanimate object, but here I am. Last week my best friend and cousin Emily Young gave this diary to me because she seemed to think I needed this, and to be honest I couldn't just throw it out.

So here I am…talking to a book. I better make sure to hide this from my nosy little brother, Seth. I honestly don't know what to write, but I guess I just document the uninspiring story of my existence.

First of all I'm Native American—Quileute to be exact and I live on the reservation called La Push. It happens to be on the Olympic peninsula in Washington. I have lived in this sleepy (and very rainy) town my whole life, and despite the fact that it is so small that everyone is getting into your business, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I'm currently a senior in high school, and in a few short months I will graduate and start the next chapter of my life. But to be quite honest with myself I'm not sure exactly what my next step will be though college is definitely something I want to consider. But I'm sure part of that decision will have to coincide with what Sam plans.

Sam Uley and I were high school sweethearts since my freshman year and we truly love one another. I think what first drew me to him was his unwavering spirit, his loyalty, and of course he's quite handsome. Sure we have our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together through thick and thin. He has already graduated but for the moment he's staying put, and for that I'm grateful since I really don't want to part from him.

Entry 2

I really meant to write in this diary more frequently for Emily's sake, but honestly I haven't thought about it since the last time I wrote. But now I'm more or less writing to get out the nerves that are threatening to consume me. And for some reason writing is calming me down more than anything has.

I'm so stressed because of Sam. He said he wasn't feeling good yesterday, and we ended our date early. But now it's been nearly forty eight hours and I still haven't heard from him. I've been calling him almost every hour all day long, but I've never been sidetracked once except when Seth got annoying.. Which reminds me…I should apologize to him later.

I'm on the verge of calling his mother and finding out what is going on with him. As it is I'm shocked she hasn't already called me. If I don't hear from Sam in the next hour then I think I will have to head over to his place.

Entry 3

I was absolutely right! Something was wrong, Sam is missing! I've never been more terrified in my entire life. Mrs. Uley is over here right now and we're both waiting for the police to come over to do a missing persons report. I needed a quick moment to try and regain my composure which is the only reason I'm writing in this right now.

I hope nothing happened to Sam. La Push is a tiny town, not usually affected by the crime of the big cities like Seattle, but the thing is crime DOES happen every once in awhile, not to mention there are dangerous animals living not far from here…Thank goodness Chief Swan just arrived.

Entry 4

Well I finally can breathe again, but my worries about Sam's well being haven't been resolved completely. Over the last couple of weeks we've had the police and Forest Rangers looking everywhere for Sam without turning up a single lead. It was as if he disappeared off the face of the planet, and I can't even describe how scared that made me.

Yesterday he returned home, not looking as if he'd been kidnapped, lost, or any other farfetched notion that my mind jumped to during his absence. He just came back suddenly as if he hadn't been missing for several days. Still Sam was home and for that I was wholly grateful.

But the thing that really worries me is that Sam won't say a single thing about where he's been. Nothing, not even to me, his steady girlfriend for over four years. At least he truly seemed happy to see me again. It felt so good for him to hold me in his strong arms again, though when he first did I thought he had to have a fever since his skin was hot to the touch. When I made a comment about it Sam just chuckled and said that he was feeling absolutely perfect. Needless to say I dropped the subject.

I'm still concerned as to why Sam won't tell me where he was, but for the moment I'll just console myself with the fact that he is home.

Entry 5

Ok I'm getting really ticked now. Sam is driving me up the wall and I wish he would just tell what this big secret is since this is getting so frustrating I can barely stand it. Since he's returned home Sam hasn't been himself. Yes he's the same guy that I fell in love with, but he's hiding something from me and its going to make me insane before long.

Besides the fact that he disappeared for two weeks and hasn't spoken about it; Sam's also been out at night all the time and is utterly exhausted during the day. We used to spend most of our evenings together at Sam's place, but he never has me over any more. And then during the day all he wants to do is sleep. I can't stand it, he's pushing me away and I'm getting so utterly fed up with this.

And of course just when I'm starting to get this off my chest, my parents have just informed me that we're going to the Black's for dinner. And apparently Chief Swan and his daughter are going to be there too. Oh well, I'll just call Sam when I'm there.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks so much to twilight22lover for such an encouraging review since I wasn't really sure that anyone was really interested in this story. With that said, I hope you like the next chapter and any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

**Confessions of a Bitter Werewolf**

**Chapter 2**

Entry 6

I'm in a very good mood today because my best friend and cousin, Emily is coming down from the Makah reservation for a visit. I've been so stressed lately about the whole Sam thing and it will be nice to be able to just relax and spend some quality time with my friend.

Speaking of Sam things have been going much better. Yes he's still keeping things from me, but I'm trying to just accept it and try everything in my power to not let it bother me. I love him enough that I don't want to push him away with my endless questions.

Entry 6 (continued)

Well I ended up having a wonderful day. Emily and I went to Port Angeles today and we shopped for two hours straight (which is a huge task considering how few stores there are). The whole time we were catching up, sharing stories and altogether trying to enjoy the girl time we had together.

Afterwards we came home and together we fixed dinner for the rest of the family. As it turned out Sam also dropped by which he always does since we live so close to each other. I asked him to stay for dinner, but for some reason he didn't seem to hear me. He had the strangest look on his face, as if he'd seen a ghost and seconds later he quickly excused himself and all but ran out of the room. Emily and I shared a confused look, but we carried on.

I think I'm going to call him soon and see what his problem was. I know Sam well enough to know that he normally wouldn't act so strangely. His bizarre behavior since the time he disappeared is becoming more and more noticeable. And not just the fact that he is always tired, but he also eats twice the amount of food he used to eat, and always feels feverish to the touch. I just hope someday he will finally put this mystery to rest.

Entry 7

I want to kill him! Sam is the most despicable creature on the planet! How dare he do this to me, He never had permission to break my heart! I feel like crying, but the tears aren't coming, instead I'm so angry I'm seeing red. Sam has lied to me in the past but this betrayal is something I'll never forget! And I'm not sure I will ever forgive him either.

I awoke earlier than usual this morning when I heard something hit my window sill. Since it was raining I just wrote it off as that until a particularly loud bang made me go to window. Sam was outside and he beckoned me to come outside so of course I followed.

We walked down to First Beach despite that it's a two mile walk from my home. Most of the way there Sam didn't say a word, in fact he barely spoke at all. He didn't even look at me, nor hold my hand, and neither had he kissed me when I greeted him. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach even then and now I wish I'd listened to it.

"Leah," Sam said finally when we reached the beach, not even meeting my eyes. "I'm sorry."

Confused I opened my mouth to speak, but he just raised a hand to silence me.

"I haven't been honest with you," he said and I nodded in agreement thinking of his peculiar behavior lately. "I'm sorry, but I don't love you anymore."

"What?!" I exclaimed in surprise not believing one word of his newest delusion.

"I didn't want to hurt you, but I have to be honest. I'm breaking up with you," Sam said evenly, still not meeting my gaze.

I was stunned, and that doesn't even come close to how I felt. A million different emotions all hit at once; shock, confusion, anger, and heart break just to name a few. "Why?" I asked when I could speak.

Sam looked down and I could predict the words that came out of his mouth. "I can't tell you."

"Of course," I muttered angrily blinking hard in an attempt to keep from crying. "Another lie, why am I not surprised!"

"I'm sorry," he said again. And then he turned and left me.

It was at this point that I finally succumbed to the tears that easily came only to be washed a moment later by the rain. Even when I was a child, I never cried but rather kept it bottled up inside me. This time the dam of emotions let loose and before I knew it I was sobbing. I never knew that heart break could feel so real, so absolute. When Sam left me my world ended right there and I couldn't help but let myself collapse on the ground and let the misery have me.

I don't know how long it was, but soon I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder, and when I looked up I saw that it was my father, Harry who was kneeling down beside me. From the look on his face it seemed that he knew of my fate, and he pulled me into his arms hugging me like he did when I was a child.

"You're strong," he said softly to me. "I know you'll get through this."

I couldn't speak, but instead I nodded. "I called your school," he said. I gave him a questioning look. "You don't have to go tomorrow." Never before have I ever been so grateful to have such a wonderful father.


	3. Chapter 3

**Confessions of a Bitter Werewolf**

**Chapter 3**

Entry 8

I still am having trouble keeping my emotions in check, even though it has been a week since Sam dumped me. Ever since it happened I've been known to cry at the drop of a hat and its all I can do to stop myself. Luckily Seth hasn't tried to annoy me since it happened because I certainly wouldn't want him to see me crying. At school I have another tactic—I don't talk to anyone and when someone does I'm likely to get very defensive and angry. Unfortunately I'm well on the way to alienating the entire school.

Another thing I just found out today (and makes me angrier still) was this call I got from Emily today. Apparently my ex has been trying to ask her out for a date every day since he dumped me. She said that she's totally ignored him out of respect for me, and I'm grateful that she's showing Sam just as much disrespect as he showed to me. But he's persistent and that's what makes me mad.

It just figures that the one day my cousin comes over, Sam just happens to become infatuated with her and forget me completely. What a total jerk!

Entry 9

Sam is becoming such a complete and total nuisance! It seems like no matter what I do I can't escape the people all talking about how wonderful Sam is. I really don't get it! He started his own little gang here and I just can't figure it out. It consists of him, Jared, and Paul. What confuses me more than anything is that he was never more than Jared's acquaintance and he's never like Paul who gets upset about everything.

Weirdly both Jared and Paul just so happened to disappear for a time and then return as Sam's cronies. Jared first and Paul not long after. And all three of the guys are now sport short hairdos and have all apparently been downing steroids or something since they're all massive. Some of the younger boys are terrified of them, though the Tribal Elders (my father included) all totally approve of Sam's little gang.

At least one thing still makes me smile…Emily is STILL ignoring Sam completely.

Entry 10

Emily has been attacked! Only a few hours ago I got a call from my Aunt saying that Emily was mauled by a bear. Of course I totally freaked and rushed down to the hospital as fast as I could hoping it wouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately it was, the bear totally mutilated her face. One the right side of her face three claws raked down her face and down her arm. The doctors said that she is stable right now, and that unfortunately surgery to repair the damage wouldn't be possible.

I was sidetracked from my worry for Emily only for one moment when I noticed that Sam was in the waiting room, but I of course ignored him despite being confused about his presence.

Entry 11

So I have discovered that another blow has been aimed at my broken heart. Emily, my closest friend has betrayed me almost as badly as Sam did. She has given into Sam's pleading and they are now dating. She said again and again how sorry she was, but she said that she'd fallen in love with him. This instantly infuriated me.

I'd been with Sam for over four years and we built up a lasting love over time, and then Emily apparently falls in love with him instantly. To say I was furious would be a major understatement, especially because she couldn't explain how she fell in love with him other than to say that it just "happened". I'm sick of excuses and lies, and I haven't spoken to Emily since and I don't know if I ever will.

I wanted to just rip this diary in shred because it was Emily who gave it to me after all, but I can't since I really need this right now. Plus I love to rant, and this gives me the perfect excuse.

Entry 12

I can't believe this…I don't want to believe it. Sam and Emily are getting married. After only a month or so they are already getting married…I want to puke. And I found this out because Emily wrote me a letter not only apologizing again for what happened, but telling me that she and Sam are getting married. I very nearly ripped the paper into confetti before I read the whole thing, but I decided to finish reading it first.

And then I read the punch line…she wants me to be a bridesmaid.

Emily and I used to talk about our weddings as children, and how we'd both serve as bridesmaids for one another. But honestly I'm surprised she would even think that I would agree to putting on a happy face on the day that my personal tragedy is being played out before my eyes. But at the same time I can't forget that she is still family and despite my fury at her I still care for her as a person.

And even though her future husband is a total jerk, I'm going to agree to do it. Even though I'm absolutely positive that I'm going to regret it come their wedding day.


End file.
